Several who have followed my blogs in the past and continue to hear from me on a regular basis concerning my battle with cancer have asked me to consider revisiting my blog again. For some time after being let go at a job I had come to loathe I was still disappointed in being let go in the fashion I was, and just begin to have a diminished opinion of my worth. That was exacerbated with a long look for employment with no positive results. I came to the point of seriously doubting my employability and hence my self worth. I know from reading on the topic that this is pretty typical especially in men. The image many to perhaps most is that man is the primary breadwinner in the family and he should always have the where with all to be and stay employed.
I knew the reason I was released from my last two jobs was in many ways an inability to stand up for what I felt was right and do it in a positive and effective manner. So I was beginning to believe I did not have the fortitude to stand up for myself and defend my position properly.
Regardless of right or wrong, I went through a long spell of feeling like I had nothing to say in the form of a blog, so I went into a regressive mode where I not only did not write or talk about issues that concerned me, I even tried to not think too much about issues. I retreated into a shell of sorts in which I begin to close down communication with others. Several know very well I was withdrawing because the topics I mused about I became silent on. I apologize to those who read my blogs and especially to those who not only read them but responded to them with comments and advice.
In the mean time, I found a job. I found a job I thoroughly enjoyed. But the job keep me from getting home until 12 am for several months and then my hours changed but I still did not get home until 9 pm. But the time I had worked 8 hours and driven an hour in the dark I wasn’t feeling much like blogging. And even more than that, I wasn’t back to thinking, reading or researching about any issues that might raise my attention.
Then the cancer came to light. As you can well imagine, cancer seems to get ALL of one’s attention. Especially when the first estimate of how severe the cancer is returns the very scary “Stage 4” phrase. So for the last 8 to 10 weeks my attention has been pretty much focused on how bad am I, how much time do I have, what will the end of my days be like, what will my wife do, and how will my children and grandchildren do? As of yet, I still do not have answers, or at least good answers to these questions. It is under those burdens one finds it tough to refocus on obscure and insignificant issues of theology when wondering if they will live to see the next birthday in the family.
Even beginning to blog again I find my entire mind set has changed about so many things I believe some will realize right away it is not the same Bruce who is blogging. But hopefully you will see a Bruce that has shifted position on a number of issues, completely dropped some issues that no longer seem important, and is now more focused on issues that seem much more to the point. That point being the brevity of time we have, no matter how long we have.
I hope to explain some shifts in my thought process especially concerning ongoing issues I have with peoples who’s faith tradition don’t correspond to mine. I certainly do not want to hurt or wound any one, but I would hope to open clearer lines of communication to some who see spiritual matters in different light than I do. There has been a time when I wanted to convince others of “their” errors in light of “my” truth. But I am past that now and looking for conciliation and understanding of the insignificance of some differences and the amazing similarities in what appears to be other differences. I do not want to put down but to raise all of us up to a higher plane of understanding and fellowship.
It is to that end that I believe I am going to venture back into blogging. As I always maintained, blogging is first and foremost an exercise for me to force me to write succinctly and clearly so that my thought process moves from flashes of neurons in my brain to printed words on paper or on your screen. And move in such a way that I don’t do injustice to the processes.
Stay tuned if you like. Let me know if you are following. Unlike before I hope to present only material that I am willing to have others comment on. I know at one time I blocked that possibility because I didn’t wish to be berated or upbraided for my thoughts. I won’t venture there in a public forum any more. So comment if you will. I would enjoy hearing from you.
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